Valentine’s Day 7000-Miles Apart: Tips For Peace Corps Volunteers On How To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work.

Realizing that Daniel was my person was like finally figuring out a math problem after staring at it for a long time. You know that “AHA” moment when it just clicks and you can’t fathom how you didn’t see it before? Yeah, just like that. He had been there since the 7^th grade, right in front of me – figuratively speaking – but it wasn’t until I was leaving for two years that we realized we fit together beautifully and fell in love… WTF? Really?

YES, REALLY! I guess that’s just how it goes, for like a tide love seems to come and ebb as it pleases leaving us at its peril without any regard for our plans. And plan it we did not. Daniel and I fell in love at work because we share a passion for thought, education, and making a difference. It’s not uncommon to hear us on the phone discussing Amy Chua’s latest Op-Ed, the problematic implications of cultural superiority in her new book, and why she’s under more fire than her husband who co-wrote the book (hint: it has something to do with her vagina). Yet we still laugh at stupid things and make fun of people who diss other people on social media all the while using “your” when they should be using “you’re” – get it together people!

In short, I found love in a hopeful and unexpected place (THANK YOU GEAR UP!) and to date it’s still the sweetest most fulfilling phenomenon I’ve come to know. Yet this Valentine’s Day, when lovers across the world are creating romantic memories, reminiscing about their beginning and dreaming of the future, I will spend it without him, longing to hold him, kiss him, and show him just how much I love him.

As I prepare to spend this coming Valentine’s day in longing I recall last year’s and am overcome by a sense of peace as I remember the beautiful rose, the Hershey’s kisses that spelled out Hi on my desk, the French card with the writing backwards symbolic of my backwardness and particularity, the Ethiopian food, and the connection that enveloped us so tightly we didn’t realize that after 3 hours we were the only ones left in the room.  It was by far the most romantic and meaningful Valentine’s Day I had ever experienced for his gestures let me know two things: that he paid close attention whenever I spoke for he knew the things I liked, and that he was invested in my dreams, even if it meant living 7000-miles apart for over two years.

Soon after that romantic evening I searched the Internet for anecdotal evidence that a long-distance Peace Corps relationship could work and found nothing.  I felt anxious and lost because I had no idea what we were in for and if we would thrive. At this juncture however, 7 months into my service, I can honestly say that we have fallen even deeper in love despite the distance. While every relationship is different and has its own set of specific dynamics, those of us in long-distance Peace Corps relationships experience many of the same things. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to provide some insights and advice for soon to be Peace Corps Volunteers that have recently decided to go on this special journey and assure them that they’re not crazy for choosing to stick it out.

YOUR PARTNER MUST BELIEVE IN YOUR WORK

Most people don’t understand what Peace Corps Volunteers do and I’m definitely not a fan of explaining it. However, it is essential that your partner understands your work, understands why you’re doing it, supports your work, and believes in your ability to carry it out. Volunteers with partners that are not invested in the work that they do often struggle with constantly having to validate their reasons for serving abroad as opposed to serving at home. They feel like they can’t complain after having a bad day or they risk being hit with “Why don’t you just come then?” If you’re going to commit to maintaining your relationship while in the Peace Corps make sure your partner is invested in your journey, otherwise he or she may add another unnecessary level of difficulty to an already challenging job.

COMMUNICATE YOUR LIMITATIONS CLEARLY

Communication is important in all relationships but it becomes particularly crucial when the partners are living in different cultural contexts with very different limitations. When you begin training to become a Peace Corps Volunteer you train for 10 hours a day from Monday to Friday, and then for 4 hours on Saturdays. That’s a total of 54 hours - 14 hours more than the usual American workweek.  Moreover if you consider the culture shock, the gastrointestinal problems, and the high level of anxiety many of us experience, you quickly realize that this makes for a very stressful environment that isn’t conducive to maintaining a stable relationship.  Lack of power, poor telephone network, and limited Internet access can further aggravate the situation and can potentially cause a good relationship to go sour.

To avoid this you must communicate your limitations clearly. You must explain in great detail the stresses of training, the limited access to communication, and anything else that is relevant. For example, during training I could hardly mail any letters because whenever I was free (during lunch and after the training sessions) the post office was always closed - Ethiopians go home for lunch and they close the post office early. In this event it was important that I communicated why I couldn’t respond to Daniel’s letters in a timely manner, and why that would be the case during the entirety of my training. Communicating previously unforeseen limitations is critical because your partner has no way of understanding your experience unless you paint it for him or her. If you don’t communicate, assumptions will inevitably be made and they can hurt your relationship.

LAY OUT THE EXPENSES AND EXPECTATIONS IN ADVANCE

Let’s face it, Peace Corps Volunteers are broke and they can’t afford much. That is definitely something to think about when deciding to maintain a long distance Peace Corps love. How much will communication cost per month? Will the person at home be able to pay for most of the communication costs? Should you bring a smart phone with you and get Viber so you can text for free? Will your partner visit? Will you come home at any point during the two years? Will you meet somewhere in between? How will you pay for it? It is best to figure out the answers to these questions in advance to avoid strife and unrealistic expectations. The more realistic your expectations, the more likely your relationship is to succeed.

EXPECT THAT YOUR PARTNER WILL CHANGE TOO

Many Peace Corps volunteers expect to change throughout their service and many often do. Sometimes the change is positive, sometimes not so much, it all depends on the person and the country he or she is in. However, since change is an integral part of this experience and we are constantly getting slapped by the most unconventional of challenges, we can easily forget that the world does not revolve around us and that others are growing and changing too. Just as you will change your partner will change. Change is a part of life and we can’t grow without it. PCVs can get caught up on wanting to find everything they left behind just as they left it for the sake of feeling stable and grounded, feelings that becomes foreign when you move to a community where you don’t know the language, don’t share the culture, and don’t have any family or friends. Leave room for change, make room for change, and relish in the beauty of change.

EXPLAIN THAT YOU WILL HAVE BAD DAYS BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU WANT TO GO HOME

I have shitty days. Let me rephrase that, I have A LOT of shitty days, but that doesn’t mean I want to go home. Yet I complain all the damn time and that’s O.K. My complaining is part of my adjustment and despite my many travels Ethiopia kicks my ass on a weekly basis. Just when I think things are starting to make sense, BOOM! I get slapped again. Daniel knows that, he knows it’s hard and he knows it often sucks but he’s supportive, extremely supportive. He knows that saying “I had an awful day and I’m sick of the administration at my school “ is not the same as saying, “I’m done, I feel unsafe and I need to go home.” Know that it will be HARD, explain that to your partner, and then let them know that you’ll just need to vent sometimes (or maybe all the time).

TRUST EACHOTHER

It goes without saying that there is no point in being in relationship with someone you don’t trust no matter the distance. However, trust issues come in different sizes and if it isn’t grave you may be able to figure it out before your departure. Nevertheless, if you have deep trust issues and cannot trust your partner, the distance is likely to aggrandize them. If you can’t trust your partner, it’s probably best to cut your losses before you board that plane.

This Peace Corps thing isn’t easy but being with the right person makes it all the more beautiful. Wishing all of those loving couples that are willing to make such a serious commitment all the luck in the world, for there is nothing this world is in more need of than love.